When dealing with services related to pregnancy, no one ever wants to think about the possibility of the loss of their baby. The reality is that stillbirth, neonatal loss or infant loss might at some point happen to you or someone you care about. And as if the loss itself isn’t hard enough to bear, depending on when the loss occurred, the body may still produce milk, reminding everyone, most of all the mother/birthing parent, that they were prepared to feed a baby. (Generally the later in pregnancy the loss, the more likely the body is to produce milk. Loss during or after birth will very likely mean colostrum production for 3-5 days followed by transition to mature milk.)
If you, or someone you know, is preparing for or suddenly finds themselves faced with the loss of their baby, I offer my sincerest condolences and comfort to you and your loved ones.
I also want to offer up an option of something you may not have known about. Something tangible that you may decide to do in honor of the loss of a child: milk donation after loss.
What is milk donation?
Milk donation is when one pumps, stores and gives milk to be used for another baby or allows the direct nursing of another baby. (This is not to be confused with wet-nursing, cross-nursing or co-nursing.)
For informational purposes, milk donation is different than wet-nursing, cross-nursing or co-nursing.
- Wet-nursing typically describes a situation where one is being paid — or as in the case of someone who was enslaved, forced to — breastfeed another child. Thus, with wet-nursing, there is a power dynamic in place and typically a differential in socio-economic class/standing between the wet-nurse and the family whose baby they are feeding.
- Cross-nursing is more of a friendly, non-transactional/non-employment-based arrangement between nursing parents where they will voluntarily choose to feed each other’s children.
- Co-nursing is where within a family, there is more than one parent who is nursing/providing milk for their child.)
Milk donation after loss can be a way for some families (but not all) to help grieve, heal themselves, and give the gift of love and life through first foods to another infant who does not have access to any, or enough, human milk.
The specifics of this can take a few different forms, however.
Known Donor/Recipient Donation
For some families, they may know a particular family (an extended family member, a friend, or a friend-of-a-friend) who is in need of milk and they are already emotionally connected to them. Or they may desire to be connected to a family so that they can learn the specific needs of the recipient family and create a personal connection. This may be useful if you would like to donate to an infant who has a health issue that is close to your heart, you feel it would be healing for you to be able to see a baby grow and thrive on your milk, or you want to be a long-term donor for a specific family.
There are some health risks involved in informal milksharing, so it is incumbent upon individuals to do their due diligence in assuring that there are no communicable health issues, any concerns about medications, smoking, alcohol or drug use, diet (some parents may be looking for dairy free milk, for example) etc. So, as a donor, please be prepared for the possibility of being asked what might seem like some specific or personal details. They don’t intend to be prying or invasive, they are just doing their due diligence.
Anonymous Milk Donation
For other families, knowing the specifics of the recipient family, seeing photos and updates of a growing baby, and other reminders can be challenging or painful to their grieving and healing process. But they still want to donate to help other children.
Anonymous donation, where donor and recipients do not meet nor know each others’ names, is also an option. Milk banks are the typical model for anonymous milk sharing. Non-profit milk banks (I only endorse non-profit HMBANA milk banks, as for-profit milk banks are typically highly predatory in nature) collect milk from donors who have been tested and adhere to certain guidelines.
The milk is then tested, pooled (creating batches of milk from several donors), gently pasteurized, and sent to hospitals for use. Typically only the most fragile babies receive milk from milk banks, as there is not enough milk to meet the full need.
Other Options and Information
Even if you don’t believe that milk donation is the right choice for you, I would like for you to be aware of the following information:
The hormone in the body that makes milk is called prolactin. Prolactin levels are high after birth and slowly naturally drop over the course of time when milk is being regularly being removed from the body.
What we also know about prolactin is that when milk is not removed regularly, prolactin levels drop very quickly. This is relevant to loss because quickly dropping prolactin levels are associated with an increased risk of post-partum mood disorders (PPMDs), such as postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety and postpartum psychosis. And as a parent dealing with loss, you are already at a very high likelihood of developing a PPMD.
I wanted to mention this because, even if you don’t believe milk donation is the right choice for you, one option you do have is to remove milk regularly and slowly decrease the amount you remove over a period of time.
By allowing your prolactin levels to drop more slowly, you may be able to mitigate the effects of PPMDs resulting from plummeting prolactin levels. And of course I’d also recommend seeking mental health support from someone who is experienced in PPMDs and loss.
Last Words
Only you can decide what is best for you, your family, your milk, your healing journey. If you didn’t know about options — including milk donation after loss — I hope this can help give you or a loved one some options to consider.
If you have donated milk after a loss of your own and would like to share any thoughts about your healing, please feel free to add them in the comments below or email me, becca@purplelotusdoulas.com and I’ll add the quotes (anonymously, if you wish) to this post.
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