I have been there. Exclusively pumping (EP) was the absolute best thing I could do for my daughter who, at first, could not latch. (I say “I,” because I made the choice that this was the right thing for us. Not everyone has the desire or resources to do this.) And then when she could latch, caused me so much pain that I couldn’t let her, for a long, long time.
At the time, I didn’t know even one other mother who was exclusively pumping, either in real-life or online. Pumping was strange. It was difficult. It was exhausting. It was isolating. It was lonely. I was lonely.
Thankfully, I have met some other EP parents since that time. And I always want them to know that they are not alone and to acknowledge that their unique feelings and attitudes towards at-breast feeding versus their hard-won version of breastfeeding/ breastmilk-feeding can be very complex and filled with emotions that feel shameful, like guilt, remorse and jealousy.
I have one such friend who was having a difficult moment, at nearly 1 year in of amazing commitment to exclusively pumping. (And yet it just goes to show that the depth and complexity of the feelings is not necessarily healed by time alone).
I shared the following words with her, and I want to share them with anyone else who is an EP feeder, or knows an EP parent.
Dear Amazing Exclusive Pumper,
You are so amazing for exclusively pumping. Yes, it is a total PITA.
And more than that, each time you pump is a reminder. While you rejoice in other babies getting milk AT their mother’s breast, you feel a hole in your heart that your baby is only getting milk FROM your breast.
And when friends talk about sometimes breastfeeding is hard, you would long for that level of difficulty yourself because what you do just seems astronomically harder (and much more time-consuming and all-consuming).
It’s both the hardest and the best thing you’ve ever done. And you do it, day in and day out. That is the kind of strength that you pass onto your baby.
And to anyone reading this who think that any of what I’ve written is judgmental against other kinds of feeding, it truly isn’t meant as judgment of others. It is simply a validation of the complexity of emotions that go along with exclusively pumping when you wanted so badly to nurse.
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